How do you live without your favorite person?

Have you ever had an aha moment that felt like it unlocked a new level of understanding for your life?

That happened to me a few weeks ago. I met with a new counselor because I didn’t like the way I was feeling and wanted to explore why.

She asked lots of great questions; but of course, nothing was solved in one session. The real magic happened after I left. The entire week I’ve been journaling and exploring answers to a few of the questions. 

Then it all clicked. 

I’ve been so hard on myself for not doing the things I typically like to do. I haven’t been sending cards to friends, I’ve had zero desire to travel, and I’ve been hesitant to add more than a few things to my calendar each week. While some of these things feel GREAT, I also have an underlying energy issue that doesn’t seem to go away. 

I have worked with my doctor on ways to improve my energy and I’m sure there is still more work to do, but I realized there’s something else that has been contributing to this sense of not being fully me. Grief.

The last two years have been filled with some of the highest highs and lowest lows. I’ve felt more joy and peace in the last few years than all the previous years combined. It makes me emotional to think of that being my default no matter the circumstances in my life. As someone who is naturally anxious, having a feeling of calm be your default is the biggest relief. 

…AND

I’ve been tired. 

I talked to my mom the other day and she mentioned a conversation with a man who recently lost a parent. He said he grieved the loss long before it happened, because the health condition forced the family to see their loved one leave before their eyes. 

Almost at the same time, my mom and I said, “me too.” 

My grandpa has always been my favorite person. The one who always believed in me, supported my dreams, and made sure I had everything I needed. The one who gave me encouraging words without even knowing what was wrong. The one I could always count on. 

And that version of him is no longer there. I can see him. I can hug him. I can speak to him. But there are no conversations and sometimes he doesn’t know who I am.

He is still here with us but he’s a different person from the one our family has always known. That’s hard. To physically see someone you love start to leave while still being present is something I can’t explain. 

Lately he’s been saying “he’s ready to go home” and “he won’t be here much longer.” I don’t know if this is just a southern thing, but in my family when an older person says that it means they are telling you heaven is calling. 

How do you grieve the loss of your favorite person?

I don’t know.

What confuses me even more is having the healthiest time of your life, a time filled with peace and joy, happen alongside the period of the greatest grief. 

How can joy and grief show up and dance together? I don’t know. And I know it is happening anyway.

One thing I do know is the lesson this is teaching me. All of life won’t align when you want. There will be sadness and disappointment but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel any joy or peace. 

It’s okay to feel a wide range of feelings at one time. We have the capacity to hold seemingly conflicting emotions. 

Having someone who loves you unconditionally is the joy of a lifetime. Seeing them in pain and knowing there is nothing you can do about it is the worst feeling. 

Love makes it worth it. 

The Year of Learning my Limits: What if less is more?

My birthday is tomorrow, which always causes me to reflect on the last year. The theme I can’t get away from is decrease/less/limits.

We live in a world that loves more, better, and higher… but what if less is what allows us to fully receive and appreciate the more?

Nothing is the same as it was last August.

Every area of my life has been touched by decrease this past trip around the sun.

• I’ve learned my physical limits - last year I canceled most trips because I was tired. It just felt like the right thing to do. I honestly haven’t had much desire to travel recently.

• I’ve learned my financial limits - I’ve had to be more conscious of my spending since I was laid off in January. I’m very aware of what I want to prioritize and what no longer matters.

• I’ve learned my mental limits - I didn’t realize I was dealing with some burnout until after I left my job. I needed time and space to rest my mind. I start each week with counseling and it has been the best gift to get (and keep) my mind on the right track.

• I’ve learned my spiritual limits - I knew I had so much room to grow in my faith, but this year has forced me to practice that growth in new ways.

I’m a deeply limited being in a deeply limited body and that’s not a bad thing. Learning my limits created space for me to BE STILL and REST. Things I desperately needed.

I’ve learned how much I want to live each day with my full heart and full attention (for the good and the bad moments). I want to be fully present for the people and places in my life.

I was reminded of how important that is while watching one of my new favorite shows, Getting Lost. The host, Erin French, perfectly summed up the beauty of limits. The demand for her restaurant is well beyond the capacity, but she has intentionally chosen to keep it small. She wants to limit the growth because she wants to provide an excellent experience. That’s the kind of life I want to live. One that intentionally grows in ways that matter and not just because of an outside demand.

While watching tv this quote at the end of Getting Lost touched me. Farmers and people who rely on seasonal goods are well aware of the power of limits. I may or may not have ended the show in tears. 

The biggest surprise? Practicing decrease created space for me to connect with others in new ways. I’m more aware of my emotional needs. The conversations I’m having are better, my relationships feel closer, and I feel more connected to life than I have in a long time. I’m learning that the life I want to live requires me to take care of my mind and body even better than I had been before.

Less time spent on work has allowed me to spend more time with my family and friends.

We are limited on purpose.

We aren’t meant to be everything to everyone all the time.

We are limited because we need each other. We need rest. We need space. Decreasing in every area of life allowed me to expand in ways I never imagined possible.

My word of the year is CREATE. I thought that meant I’d be doing art projects all year, but it actually meant I’d be creating space in my life.

What’s the scary thing about creating space? You have to live with empty places in your life. You have to make room and leave a gap before you ever know what (if anything) will fill the void. Sometimes something new comes along to replace what you gave up and other times you learn to grow around the space.

No matter what - you are forced to change. And that change is hard, messy, and beautiful.

Having a smaller life has been the greatest gift. It showed me ways I was flowing through life without stopping to really enjoy each day. It taught me the art of practicing presence.

This is the year I learned that sometimes getting smaller, giving up, and letting go are required to grow.

I’m excited (and nervous) to see what unexpected lessons this new year brings.

Letter to Your Future Self

Last fall I was part of a leadership circle that required we write a letter to my future self. We had to describe how we wanted to evolve over the program. It was focused on professional growth, but I find it hard to separate personal and professional growth, so I combined the two.

For the first time I’m publicly sharing my letter because it was an exercise that helped me frame who I want to be and how I want to show up in the world. I liked the exercise so much I wrote another letter to myself in January that I plan to open in December.

Have you ever written a letter to yourself? If not, maybe you should give it a try! Here’s mine as an example below.

LETTER TO SELF

10.4.23

2023 - The year of new beginnings, healing, and growth. The year of fresh starts, exceeded expectations, and continued disappointments. Thankful for all of it. Here for all of it. The highest levels of joy can’t be fully experienced and appreciated without being able to fully experience the lowest of lows. Life is meant to be lived - don’t be afraid when living leads to unexpected outcomes. 

On the road to achieving our goals we often forget to assess the cost of achieving the goal. What will the goal take you toward AND what will it take you away from? What will you have to give up? Is it worth it? Is there another way to achieve the goal or should you create a new one all together?

Every achievement costs you something.

Make sure you’re choosing things where the cost is worth it. 

Make the cost count. 

My hope for you:

• Keep work in its proper place. 

• When someone asks what work project or problem is keeping you up at night let them know the answer - none of them. It wouldn’t be worth it. Let your family and friends keep you up, but not work. 

• Don’t discard the journey. 

• You have a strong vision of where you want to go and what you want to achieve. The problem is getting there. The path is unwritten, new, and unknown. Don’t get discouraged trying to figure out the entire journey. Rest in today, knowing every step you take is moving you toward your dreams of a brighter future. Nothing is wasted. The end point isn’t what matters, it is the beauty in simple everyday moments. Don’t forget that. 

• Boundaries are your friend - especially at work. 

• If someone judges you for prioritizing your health and life that’s a personal problem for them. Keep staying true to your values, dreams, priorities, and goals. No one can take them away. 

• Keep making your “what love feels like lists” - they make you smile. 

• This week love has felt like long periods of silence, group chats with friends, getting a new idea for a project and a tearful Zoom call with a stranger/new friend. Always look for and find love in what you’re doing. It will keep you going. 

• Keep pushing toward more inclusive and equitable workplaces even though it is exhausting and frustrating. The work is worth the worry. 

• Ask people: Who will this policy, process, or framework exclude? Will it make work harder for anyone? Who may we be leaving out? Is there an easier way to do this? Who will be responsible for doing the extra work? Is it worth it? Always remind people that you must consciously include people; otherwise, you will unconsciously exclude them. 

As always, stay true to your values. You are the woman you dreamed of being when you were a little girl, and you are just getting started. There’s so much more adventure, joy, and love in your future! Can you believe it? Will you have room to receive all of it?

You haven’t scratched the surface of your potential. Keep surrounding yourself with people who are kind, who challenge you, who are not afraid to be honest, who support you, who you see the best in and who see the best in you. It’s worth it. And it can be difficult at times. That’s what life is for - fully living. Choose experiences that bring you closer to the woman you want to be and the path God created for you. 

My goal: In 16 weeks I hope I am better at bringing fun, light, joy, and love to workplaces, because they desperately need more JOY! I do too.

HAVE FUN | CHOOSE ADVENTURE | LOVE & SERVE WELL | STAY HEALTHY

Update: 2024 Word of the Year

My 2024 word of the year is create. I want to create space to capture more joy and (literally) use my creativity by creating things - art projects, plans, and writing.

My original plan:

Instead of creating a big plan for the year I decided to do a quick monthly focus at the beginning of the month and a check-in at the end of the month.

My current plan:

Keep it SIMPLE. Focus on ways to create each month.

CREATING JOY

JANUARY

planned a hippie themed party for friend

art class - painted a coffee mug

closet updated - created a new organization system for my closet

FEBRUARY

creating adventures - first trip to the Quick Lotz bin store ($3 leggins for the win!) + day trip adventure with my mom and grandpa + attended state basketball tournament for the nephews

MARCH

plant coffee shop - first time exploring a plant store/coffee shop combo (yes, it is as wonderful as it sounds)

creating adventures - attended my first supper club

APRIL

natural wonders - watched the eclipse

5k - ran my annual 5k (I started running a 5k every other year in 2013 and I switched to every year starting in 2019)

creativity - recorded new podcast episodes + wrote a lot

creating adventures - used a massage gift card from a friend (thank you!) + took my nephew on his first college visit

Painted this coffee mug at my art class in January.

2024 Word of the Year

My 2024 word of the year is create. I want to create space to capture more joy and (literally) use my creativity by creating things - art projects, plans, and writing.

Instead of creating a big plan for the year I decided to do a quick monthly focus at the beginning of the month and a check-in at the end of the month.

I’ll be sharing January focus areas next and how you can create monthly focus areas for your word of the year.

February Update: using my word of the year

Drumroll….

February was much better than January!

Don’t get too excited… March will not be better due to a weeklong vacation among other things. LOL But for now I’m taking the February win!

Here’s a quick recap if you missed previous posts on my word of the year:

What’s my word of the year for 2023? EXPAND 

Why expand? Last year (2022) was my year of saying no. This year (2023) I want to say yes to the things that matter most! I’ve cleared empty space, I’ve let go of things not working, and I’ve gotten clear on my priorities. Now is the fun part - expanding my mind, thoughts, capacity, and capabilities in four main areas.

The monthly metrics I’ll be sharing publicly are related to health - average steps/day, average glasses (8oz) of water/day, and average minutes working out/day. Health is one of my four focus areas for the year. Updates on the other areas are written below.

2023 Focus Areas

1. Generosity

2. Relationships

3. Wellness

4. Career

Updates for Each Focus Area

Generosity: 2023 Actions - I doubled my monthly giving budget and plan to find a quarterly volunteer opportunity.

• February update: I delivered Valentine’s goodie bags to a few family members and made a special gift for my mom’s birthday.

• January update: I exceeded my giving budget and was able to celebrate a few new and old friends with unique gifts. I started researching new volunteer opportunities and participated in a current opportunity.

Relationships: 2023 Action - Spend more time with people I love and plan for it by prepping days to see/talk to them.

• February update: Most of my free time was spent at basketball games for my nephews, but I still found time to spend with local friends/family members. I want to do a better job of keeping in touch with people out of state.

• January update: I spent time weekly with people I love.

Wellness: 2023 Actions - At least 15 minutes of movement/day, travel with people I love, and expand my faith journey.

• February update: I increased how much I worked out, how many steps I took, and how much water I drank. All health metrics went UP! Total win. I also completed 5 sessions with my personal trainer and love the added accountability.

• January update: I hired a personal trainer, spent time with friends (new and old) in Costa Rica, and connected more with my faith while on the trip.

Career: 2023 Actions - Try new things on the podcast and share more wins.

• February update: Season 2 trailer was recorded/released, I reached out to (and got some yeses) from emailing people I love to follow on social media/watch on tv and would love to have on the podcast, and I publicly shared some major careers wins.

• January update: Completed lots of podcast prep and shared some wins with friends while in Costa Rica.

That’s all for February. This is super late, so I’ll be posting the March update sometime next week. March’s health metrics are lower, but it still was a fun month.

I would love to hear how you’re tracking your word of the year and goals for this year. What are your focus areas? Thanks for helping me stay accountable!

Why you need different types of rest

REST…

A word I haven’t always been good at, but lately I’m making peace with the beauty of rest. On my rest journey I’ve learned so much about rest, but two lessons stand out.

1. All rest is not created equal. Knowing the type of rest you need in different situations is powerful.

2. There are different types of rest and you may need to fill different needs at various times in your life.

I want to share my journey with exploring rest and how I’ve gotten better at giving myself the right type of rest depending on what I need at that time.

All rest is not created equal

When I first started learning how to rest better I went to the immediate sources of rest you see on social media - binge watching shows, laying on the couch, and generally doing nothing.

I quickly realized going on a walk, using my creativity, or even having dinner (and/or a good convo) with a friend often feel more energizing than any show.

That’s when I realized different activities can meet my different rest needs.

For me I need about one tv binge-watching day a month, and outside of that I’m good with 30 minutes max/day. Someone else may have a different experience or tv may fill a different need, but this is a trend I’ve noticed that naturally happens and feels good.

I also need about one couch day a month. This is a wear pajamas all day, eat comfort food, and don’t leave the house kind of day.

Walking on the other hand? Fills me up like no other. I love a daily walk and some sunshine. Those activities make my soul smile and feel replenishing.

When it comes to choosing which rest activity I want to engage in it often depends on the type of rest I need.

There are different types of rest…

Knowing the type of rest you need and activities that help you for that specific type is important. People have identified many areas of rest.

For me the main three types of rest are:

1. Physical

2. Mental

3. Spiritual

This list may change over time, but for now these three areas are the ones I focus on.

Addressing these three areas can usually explain my energy needs or why I may be feeling burnout.

Physical Rest

This is needed when your body is tired.

I just got home for a 7 day trip and I am physically exhausted. I want to sleep in, it is harder to get out of bed, and I don’t feel like moving much.

To address this need I typically spend more time on the couch, watching tv, and eating healthy foods. I need to do things that let my body heal and restore itself.

Although I am physically exhausted, mentally I feel GREAT! I have creative energy, plenty of new ideas, and I can think clearly about my work. I wondered why I have mental energy while my body is tired and realized it is because of how my trip was setup.

I visited 4 cities in 7 days which was a whirlwind. I did a lot of the driving and often lacked sleep due to travel delays. BUT….. I did not bring my work or personal computers on my trip and I completely disconnected from doing anything productive.

That includes reading books or trying to take an online course. I truly let me mind rest and it feels so good.

My body is tired, but my mind is rested from the break it got this week. That leads me to the second type of rest… mental rest.

Mental Rest

This is needed when your mind is tired.

My need for this type of rest is often associated with work or school - starting a new job, getting a degree, or having a period of high stress in your personal life can all lead to mental burnout.

For me the need for mental rest is also caused by too much of positive things in my life. I LOVE to learn, but sometimes the constant influx of new information makes my brain TIRED.

This is the biggest area for me to watch out for because so many of my favorite hobbies and my full-time job require me to use lots of mental energy. I have learned to protect my mental energy and guard it fiercely.

When I need mental rest I often go on walks, take a break from consuming new information, go to yoga (the ultimate relaxation for me!), spend time near water, say NO to anything that isn’t urgent, and sometimes I watch or listen to silly shows that don’t require me to pay much attention.

Spiritual Rest

This is needed when your spirit is tired.

Whew! This one surprised me. I experienced a weariness of the spirit at one point last year. Life felt heavy and it was deeper than a simple tired day or needing a brain break.

This one is hard for me to explain - it is more of a feeling. I realized I wasn't paying much attention to my faith and I felt that was causing a heaviness. So, I made a plan to get more connected to my faith through books, groups, and attending church service. Making these changes provided a lot of comfort during that difficult time.

Learning yourself is a lifelong endeavor

We may never have it all figured out, but starting to pause when you are tired to assess where it is coming from can help you pick strategies that support the type of rest you need.

Ever felt like you were exhausted, but watching tv didn’t help? Maybe there’s a different method to try based on the type of rest you need.

Disclaimer: I am NOT a mental health professional or doctor so please don’t take this as health advice. I’m just sharing my personal experience and things I’ve learned about taking care of myself. Definitely consult with your team of medical professionals, therapists, and trusted friends/family members when going through a difficult time or mental health battle.

January Update: using my word of the year

In January I shared how I am FINALLY putting my word of the year in action. This year I made a plan to use my word of the year in four areas of my life.

How is it going?! I have an update!

January Progress

Generosity: 2023 Action - I doubled my monthly giving budget and plan to find a quarterly volunteer opportunity.

• Giving: I exceeded my giving budget and was able to celebrate a few new and old friends with unique gifts.

• Volunteering: I started researching opportunities but haven’t committed to one yet. I did volunteer for the alumni committee I’m a part of for my undergraduate school.

Relationships: 2023 Action - Spend more time with people I love and plan for it by prepping days to see/talk to them.

• I did not stick exactly to my calendar plan for this, but I still spent time weekly with people I love. It looked a little different than planned due to sickness, weather, and some family member health issues. I’m learning to keep the big picture goal in mind and not get too upset if the details aren’t perfect.

Wellness: 2023 Actions - At least 15 minutes of movement/day, travel with people I love, and expand my faith journey.

• Movement was great before my trip to Costa Rica, but I came back and was sick for a week. It’s been hard to get back in my routine but I’m slowly getting there. I hired a personal trainer and I’m excited to see how that goes!

• Costa Rica was amazing and I’m thankful for time with old and new friends. The trip deserves its own post!

• I was able to connect with friends about our faith on my trip and feel like I grew spiritually.

Career: 2023 Actions - Try new things on the podcast and share more wins.

• Season 2 of the podcast has not been released. I did a lot of planning for season 2. I have ideas, but need to take action on making them happen. February is a perfect time for this!

• On my trip I shared some wins with friends and it was fun to celebrate together. I’m expanding on this with a broader group in February.

Overall, I’m happy with my January progress! It wasn’t perfect, but sharing this publicly is helping me stay accountable to the goals I set. I also love having an actionable plan for making my word come to life. Feel free to join me if you think this would work well for you! I would love to hear your updates.

Have a great week!

Rachel